So Lonely

A successful songwriter once said when asked about what it takes to write a hit song:

“Find a new way to help people not feel so lonely.”

BOOM.

Mic drop.

Across the generational spectrum and the globe, people of all ages and countries report feeling lonely today.

Loneliness is so widespread, it’s now considered an epidemic of monstrous proportions despite a world where connecting is faster and easier than ever.

Especially on social media.

Chasing Numbers

I joined Facebook in 2009 before it became “a thing" (and when it was still easy for internet marketers to hack its algorithm in their favor which is a story for a different time).

I became obsessed with friending people, investing hours of my life into building my friend list.

At some deep level I suppose I was looking for a way to feel more connected and less lonely in a world that was changing beyond my comprehension.

The more obsessed with friending people I became, the more jealous I grew of people on Facebook who boasted the maximum 5,000 friend cap.

How could they have so many friends? I wondered

Wasn’t I equally as worthy of showing the world I had 5,000 friends, too?

Yet hitting that 5,000 mark became as elusive as a snipe.

Still, I chased.

Everyone I met -- even people I spoke to for 5 minutes or less at a conference or event -- turned into friend requests.

Many of them then became friends.

My numbers soared.

I never hit 5,000 but I was happy with the number nestled under my profile picture.

It made me feel (falsely) worthy.

Some of those people are still in my circle fifteen years later.

I know nothing about them.

In a rare moment of weakness these days when I find myself on the platform, I see names in my notifications list I don’t recognize.

I now understand those people were never my real friends, merely individuals caught up in my vanity metrics chase.

They didn't make me feel more connected.

Or less lonely.

As if social numbers were inversely proportional to how important you are… or how lonely you feel.

Vanity Metrics Are So Lonely

Here’s the thing about vanity metrics.

Having what appears to be “more friends” in a social media context does not equate with less loneliness.

Or more success.

Or any other outcome you want to attach to the number.

If anything, those inflated numbers may amplify feelings of alienation, outsider-ness, depression, and anxiety.

Today, I’m grateful my social numbers have gone down on Facebook.

One, because I don’t get value from being on that platform outside of seeing the photos my daughter posts of her singing adventures.

Two, because my energy and time are far too valuable to waste on Facebook’s infinite cesspool scroll.

Third, social numbers remain a beacon of false importance.

It’s common knowledge that people with big social accounts broadcast inflated numbers.

And for what end?

There are several answers, but the only one that truly matters is money.

Having big social numbers can mean bigger paychecks.

Not always, but that mindset is very much alive. (To a degree, I respect this mindset. Right now social numbers are part of playing the commercial game and aren’t we all playing that game?)

This would then suggest that when you see a famous person on Instagram who has 18M followers, you’d expect explosive engagement numbers on their posts.

You’d expect them to be fully actualized and carefree and most importantly, not lonely.

Because 18M followers is a lot.

Yet, when you do the engagement math on said high-number-of-followers-person, you quickly see that with an average of 130K likes per post, they are garnering a measly 0.7222 percent on the engagement scale.

Point seven percent of anything is better than zero percent of everything, so there is that argument.

But in the grand scheme of things, does any of this matter?

Big Numbers and Still, So Lonely

At the time of his death, Matthew Perry had 10M followers on Instagram.

Listen to his memoir and you will quickly discover how lonely a man he was despite (ironically) becoming rich and famous because of a show called “Friends.”

Ultimately, getting caught up in anyone’s numbers is a fool’s errand. I decided long ago to concentrate my energy on doing work that reflects my purpose and makes me happy.

Because happy people generally report feeling not so lonely.

I think there’s a hit song for that.