It’s a typical Tuesday morning. You open your email account and find the following message in your in-box:
“John Smith wants to be friends on Facebook.”
There is no personal message from John Smith regarding how you two are connected. Your brain begins to percolate: “John Smith…John Smith…who the Hell is John Smith and how do I know him?”
You click on the link under the invitation. You are taken to your Facebook account where you see the request from John Smith. He looks like a decent guy. Brown hair, smiling face, clean clothes.
You click on his name and are taken to a glimpse of his profile. Nothing alarming there. Typical collection of likes, interests, photos…
Turns out you and John Smith have 63 friends in common. You click on that link to open the box that displays these names. Your eyes quickly scan down the list.
Good names, decent people.
Just like you.
Just like John Smith.
Now the moment of truth. Do you accept John Smith’s friend request or not?
He has passed the test of having plenty of decent mutual friends, nothing on the Cliff Notes of his profile page that suggests he is a stalker or sociopath, and it would be nice to increase your friend numbers since you seem to be behind compared to lots of other people, especially the ones in the thousands…
Your hand moves the mouse…
Click.
“You and John Smith are now friends. Next, go visit John Smith’s profile…”
Sound familiar? If you are using Social Media regularly, my guess is you are bombarded with friend requests. It seems the more friends you get on Facebook, the more others want to be your friend as well.
Being liked is heady. I mean, come on. Who among us isn’t flattered on some level to be “chosen” as a friend, especially when that person is popular? It takes us back to the days in gym class when we stood patiently in a line waiting to be picked for the dodgeball team. Getting picked sooner rather than later became synonymous with how high on the popularity ladder you were. Picked last and you knew you were the biggest loser in the class.
So Hell yes! It feels GOOD to be invited to be friends with someone who looks nice, is attractive, and seems to have their act together. Not to mention, is already running with the “cool” crowd.
But at some point, the pink elephant in the room MUST be addressed: what, exactly, is the point of having so many “friends” on Facebook? Is it really in our best interest accept all friend requests on Facebook? How many of these new “friends” can we realistically expect to get to know and form decent relationships with? Is social proof in the form of mutual friends enough to convince us to open up our personal profiles with strangers online?
How often are you faced with friend requests like this? What are your personal guidelines for making and accepting friends on Facebook? Please share any stories you believe would benefit readers about successfully navigating Social Media!
Good question Mary Lou, I don’t think having 4,000 friends is going to make you or break you .. what it will do is make it hard to communicate with them. I like taking my time, and don’t accept every request. I like if they are friends with interests in common.
Hi Lesly, Of course, everyone will have a different opinion about this topic. Accepting every friend request may be part of some people’s big plan. But I am with you — friends are those people with whom I share things in common. Thanks for sharing!
I must admit that there are times when it just depends on what kind of mood that I am, but usually, I want to see either a brief message or something to give me an idea of who the person is. (I used to accept every friend request, and I had to get rid of a couple because they turned out to be spambots.) I think it depends on the network.
On my Yearbook (one that I don’t use for business), for example, my main motivation for it is donating to causes (They have a function that lets you convert currency you earn on the site into real donations to real charities), so if it is someone I don’t know, and they don’t send a message letting me know who they are, they have to have at least donated something to causes. I guess in the end your criteria should be based on why you are on the network.
Hi Mary Lou
I completely agree with Lesly, actually, and quality is more important than quantity. It’s impossible to build real relationships with every single “friend” (there are only so many hours in the day!), however, over time there will be those who you will have more to do with (or are drawn to more than others, perhaps) and as a result, real relationships are formed.
Plus, while I do accept most requests, there are those that I choose not to, usually because their profile rings of spam, or there is something that I’m just not sure about with them … do you know what I mean? I can’t always “put a finger on it”, but there’s something.
Then are times when I simply don’t like the types of groups/pages that they’ve joined – that says a lot to me, and that works in a positive way for me too … if I can see that the person has similar interests to me, either from their profile page or from the pages/groups that they like, then that also helps me to make an initial decision on them.
Your comment about waiting patiently in line to be picked in a sporting team took me back to my high school days …
I WAS that kid who was always the last to be chosen, unless a particular friend of mine was there that day, in which case SHE would be chosen last and I was second last. We used to joke about it between ourselves while we waited patiently. 🙂
It didn’t bother me though because it was nothing personal – I wouldn’t have chosen me either! I wasn’t a loser then and I’m not one now.
But … while I certainly wasn’t known for my sporting prowess (I’m not a very fast runner, and I tend to swim like a rock! lol), when there were academic teams chosen, everyone wanted me on their team! (and that was a good feeling).
I wasn’t part of the “cool” crowd, but I wasn’t really one of the “uncool” ones either. I got along with everyone and pretty much just minded my own business and got on with my education, which I’m very pleased I did.
You’ve raised some very good points in this post, Mary Lou.
~ Kylie ~
Thank you for your detailed and personal response to my post, Kylie! I agree that looking at a potential “friend’s” groups and alliances can be a terrific filter for whether or not you want to be connected to that person. And yes, I totally understand the “not being able to put my finger on it” gut feeling about certain people who suddenly pop up on your friend request list, seemingly out of nowhere. Just as we do offline, so must we do online: choose our friends well and know at the end of the day, we will truly have only a handful of people in our inner circle who we are closest to.
Hi Steve, Thanks for sharing your thoughts on this topic. I used to accept every friend request, too (I think most people do that early on in the FB game), but have become wiser to the occasional spambot and fake profile that creeps in every now and then. I just think sending a message is most appropriate, even if short. And yes, your “why” plays a big role in who you friend and how many! Great point.
Mary Lou,
You have started quite an interesting discussion here. I usually accept friend requests. Most people don’t know enough to send a message how they found you. I figure that I never know exactly who I might impact by being friends or vise versa.
If they are not genuine and are just trying to push their business, I can always delete or block them.
I stay open to experiences and it seems I have had really good luck being in that state of mind.
Val 😉
Hi Val, Yes, staying open-minded is definitely important with social media and Facebook friend requests. What I have discovered is there seems to be a universal pattern to “friending” on Facebook: in the beginning, a person gathers friends from the offline world, i.e. high school, college, work connections. Then the next level of friends are friends of friends. And then, when you get to the level we are at, many friends are those we only know online! It is an interesting phenomenon, to say the least. Thankfully we have that block and unfriend technology for the rare spambot or “just not quite right” request! 🙂
Hi Mary Lou,
When I read your blog title, I clicked on it right away.. Interested.
I am a bit annoyed by people getting offended when they are removed from my FB friends. and some retaliate… it’s odd to me. How can someone be a friend with a click of a button? No, they are people who are potential friends, but certainly those unknown John Smiths are at best, just like the guy I see one time walking down the streets of LA. it takes effort and energy to build a relationship. Initially a quick click may seem like it’s easy.. but to me, a friendship is way Bigger than that.
Once I learned how to make categories on FB, it became more easy for me to accept people as my friend or NOT! 😉 I have a category “People to connect with” that people I don’t know go into. I may accept someone, and until I connect with them they are in a trial period. If they spam me, or solicit me with “hey baby” they are removed just as fast.. CLICK. so I work it as – “I’ll accept you with the understanding that you are like me, and want to connect to network.” If i find out otherwise, easy-peasey-lemon-squeezy-REMOVE! Thanks for the post! Lisa
Lisa Molina’s latest blog…Star Spangled Banner – Let Your Freedom Ring
Hi Mary Lou,
I agree 100% with you. It is not the quantity I like, but the QUALITY.
Social Networking is so much fun for me, so I chose that road. I am very careful who I accept or not. 99.9% of the friends I have on ALL
social networks are great. I check them out before I add them, especially their blog. If it is too spammy or goes directly to a sales page, I don’t accept them, because they are not of the same school of thought as I am.
If, however, they come from a mutual business I’m in, I would reach out and send them a message how this is NOT going to work. I keep them in a separate file and contact them now and then. Some, want to learn the correct way of doing things and I will coach them, the others, I have to delete.
I only had 2 people that were really annoying in my facebook pages and unfortunately had to delete them.
Thanks for this awesome post,
Donna Merrill
Mary Lou,
This is always an interesting topic. If you go to a “live” networking event you don’t just walk up to someone and hand them your business card and say “call me” and then walk away. It seems rather odd to me that people on a social site don’t really know how to be social and how to properly introduce themselves. I always send a personal note when I want to “friend” someone but it seems like 99.9% of the time no one bothers to send a note to me when requesting friendship. So, I could stay friendless or accept them. The good news is that it’s easy enough to “unfriend” them if they turn out to be a putz.
You described bad networking to a tee here, Don! Whether offline or online, there are protocols for developing relationships. It’s interesting to me that people forget them just because they are using the Internet.
I love Social Networking, too, Donna because it is a lot of fun! I think doing a little homework before accepting a stranger’s friend request is very important, and it sounds like you do your due diligence before clicking the accept button. Thanks for your input on this topic!
Wow, I did not realize people would retaliate for being “unfriended.” Just proves your point about unfriending them, though, doesn’t it? Crazy! I like your idea of having a “people to connect with” category on FB. I think I will create one of those, too. It makes sense and keeps the relationships honest! Thanks for the great feedback and ideas, Lisa! 🙂